The Loss of my Grandparents

 2020 and 2021 haven’t been the best years for many individuals. I personally lost both my grandparents less than 4 months apart. My grandfather passed away in October 2020 of a sudden heart attack. My grandmother passed away in February 2021 from pancreatic cancer. I was incredibly close to my grandparents and these losses crushed me, especially being so close together.

My grandfather was my biggest fan and was so proud of all I have accomplished. He made sure everyone knew how proud he was of me and never stopped bragging about me. He participated in the NAMI walk with me annually. This was so special for me. I miss him and love him dearly.

My grandmother was not as vocal about it but she was also very proud of me. She was the matriarch of our family and is missed dearly. She was the epitome of strength to the very end. She put her family first and we all loved her so much.

I am crying as I type this because I miss them so much. They were such a huge part of my life and it still feels surreal that they’re gone. They lived long and full lives and I can take solace in that.

They are both missed so very much by so many people. Due to COVID-19 we couldn’t have the large funerals for them that they would have wanted. They touched the lives of so many and we wish we could have included everyone who they touched but we were only allowed a few people on top of our family. 

This is the biggest loss I’ve ever experienced and my heart still hurts. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. They were the best grandparents a girl could ask for. My love for them will never die.

Hello Strangers

 Hello strangers, It has been a long time since I have written on this blog. You could say I’ve had years of writer’s block. However, I’m back at it and fighting this ongoing writer’s block. My goal is to post once a week in some capacity.

Since I’ve last written, I had 2 back-to-back hospitalizations in 2016 for depression and suicidal ideation. I was hospitalized at Howard County General Hospital, and they happen to have a fantastic psychiatric unit. Since 2016, I’ve been mostly stable. I had one episode of hypomania, but I caught it in time and my psychiatrist and I switched my medication quickly from Seroquel to Zyprexa and all was good after that switch. Since then I’ve been doing great. I have the occasional anxiety and panic attack but overall I am doing better than I can ever remember. Currently I am taking Effexor, Zyprexa, and Lamictal, a combination that is working great for me. It’s been close to six years since my last hospitalization and I’m in awe that I’ve gone so long without a hospitalization. Here’s to hoping for many more years without a hospitalization.

I currently have a job that I love working with the homeless and formerly homeless population in Montgomery County, MD. It’s very rewarding work and I love my clients. I also work for an amazing organization which makes all the difference in the world.

I’ve missed writing. It has helped me and helped others. I’ve had a crappy computer for a few years making writing hard but I’m working on that. Writing is my art and I plan to keep up with it going forward.

You’ll be hearing more from me soon, I promise you

that.

There's Nothing Selfish About Suicide

I cam across this post last night and it brought tears to my eyes to read it. If you only read one thing today, please make it this link.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-hurley/theres-nothing-selfish-about-suicide_b_5672519.html

Before you call suicide selfish, stop for a minute and be grateful you have never felt the kind of pain that makes ending your life seem like the only option left. I've been hospitalized multiple times after a suicide attempt or suicidal ideation and to say I didn't think about what it would do to my loved ones would be one of the most hurtful things someone could say to me. All I did was think about those that I love and that love and care about me. Not a moment passed during my darkest times that I didn't think about what it would do to my family and my friends if I were gone but there was so much pain that I didn't feel like I had another option. Unless you have felt that pain, you will never understand the depths of despair someone goes through at that point. Please don't ever use the word selfish when describing suicide and please don't judge something you are very lucky to not understand.

Also, always remember suicide is not a dirty word! Talk about it, bring awareness, let people know they can talk to you, make yourself present to those who are suffering (even if they push you away because that's when they need you the most). Kindness can save a life, even kindness to a stranger!

 

Thanks for reading!

Until next time....

Kissing Stigma Goodbye

Cruel and Unusual – It’s Time to End an American Tragedy

This article (link found below) makes me so incredibly mad and sad. My heart hurts for the folks with severe mental illness who are thrown in jails and hospitals for crimes they committed while sick and then never provided the treatment they need to get better. Thank you to NAMI for this expose on jails and prisons. Maybe state hospitals will be up next! We need to stop ignoring these terrible conditions and treatments. We would never treat someone with a physical illness in this way and it is not acceptable to treat someone with a psychiatric illness this way either. People with a mental illness are still people with feelings and deserve proper treatment for their ailments... Physical and psychological.

Cruel and Unusual – It’s Time to End an American Tragedy

Rock Bottom

Sometimes in life, we have to hit rock bottom, to see the pattern of destructive behaviors and negative thought patterns we have been engaging in. Not everyone needs to hit rock bottom and rock bottom is not the same for everyone.

Rock bottom for me came last summer when I overdosed on Klonopin and Lithium with the hopes of ending my life. What followed that was life changing. Not the stay in the hospital, but the thoughts and feelings that invoked in the weeks and months to follow. The analysis of my outlook on life, on happiness, on family, on friendship, on relationships... all of that was life changing. All of that came from hitting rock bottom and coming out of it a stronger and better person.

The people who support you and love you through the times when you feel and act so unlovable are the ones that will never leave your side no matter what. Thank you to everyone who was there for me when I hit my rock bottom last year. Thank you to everyone who saw me through it. Thank you to everyone who loves me no less now even though they saw me and cared for me when I was so hard to love. I don't know where I would be without all of you.  I especially don't know where I would be without my mom and dad. They have never lost hope in me and have supported me through every heartache and every bit of my illness. Words could never begin to explain the love and appreciation I have for my parents and everyone else who has loved me through the worst.

I am so proud of myself for the strength and growth that has come from last year but I also know I couldn't have done it alone!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Today has been one hell of a day. A day of sadness; a day of tears. Today is one of those days where all I wanted from the start was to go back to sleep and start the day over, in a better mood, in a happier place, with the depression lifted. I actually took a nap today, and those that know me well, know that naps mean I’m avoiding my feelings. Rarely do naps actually mean I’m tired. Things have been going so well for a while, so of course, old man Bipolar had to throw me a curve ball and hit me with some depression today. I can only hope and wish tomorrow is a better day.

Today is one of those days where I feel so alone in this struggle. I have to remind myself that I am not alone. I try so hard to think of those that care about me and those that love me. I think of all the incredible love and support I felt last year when I was suicidal and that’s what keeps me going when I’m down. I know there are people who need me and I know how many people were hurting last year when I was sick. Most days I know this and don’t have to remind myself. Most days are good, most days I smile and laugh like everyone else. Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I have to remind myself why I’m still here; why I stopped and asked for help last July. Today, I have to remind myself of all the people who love and need me and I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished and why I should be proud of myself. I have to remind myself of the good days to get through the bad days.

It has been just over 15 years since I was diagnosed with this illness and it never really gets any easier to deal with the depression when it hits. The unexplained tears are the worst for me. They are not like a good cry that makes you feel better; I’ve had plenty of those. The unexplained tears just make me feel worse and make me wonder what’s wrong with me. I know I have come a long way since last year because I am able to sit down and write how I am feeling and I was able to express to my mom how I am feeling. A year ago, I would have kept it all inside of me. I hope that today is an anomaly and tomorrow I’m back to doing well like I have been for so long.

I have so much love and appreciation for my family and friends who love me through everything, even on the days when I can be hard to love. I wouldn’t be where I am in life without the love and support of those around me and I could never even begin to put into words how much I appreciate that support.

Here’s to hoping for a better day tomorrow and the next day! Here’s to hoping I never forget why I’ve held on every time I thought I couldn’t go on. And, here’s to all of you that have felt you couldn’t go on at some point. I have felt your pain! Always know, there is someone who needs you; someone whose life would never be the same without you in it!

Please HELP! Sign the petition to restore funding to mental health!!!

$23 million has been cut from the mental health budget since January! Please help by signing this petition to ask Governor Hogan to restore some of the funding that has been cut. Please join "Keep the Door Open MD" by signing this petition before we lose much needed mental health programs! Thank you dearly, from the bottom of my heart!

From Despair to Happiness: The Difference a Few Months Can Make!

5 months ago, I was a patient in the psychiatric unit at Saint Joseph's Medical Center recovering from a suicide attempt; a lithium overdose that landed me in the medical unit for a few days followed by the psychiatric unit. 5 months ago, I wanted to die. I saw no other way out than taking my own life. I took 70+, 300 mg Lithium capsules. A dosage for me at that time was 4 capsules a day. My lithium level tested at nearly 3 times the toxic level when I arrived at the E.R. on the afternoon of July 31, 2014. I survived for a reason unknown to me. I stopped taking the lithium capsules and texted my supervisor who drove me to the hospital. I don’t know for sure what made me stop and ask for help. Maybe it was all of the calls and texts I was receiving from people saying they care. I may not have responded to any of them but they likely played a large role in why I decided to give life another shot. At that time, I couldn’t see life ever being worthwhile. Dying seemed like the best and the only option. I hated myself and I hated the world. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy. I couldn’t even imagine ever feeling any better than totally miserable and hopeless.

Tonight, 5 months later, I look around my apartment, as I sit on the couch in the living room, watching reruns of New Girl. Caesar is snoring on the couch next to me. Diesel is in the Ikea Poang chair, taking a cat nap. Tonight, I feel lucky. Tonight, I feel grateful. Tonight, I am happy I am alive and that something stopped me from continuing to take that lithium overdose. Tonight, I am grateful to have had friends and family that insisted on making sure I knew they cared while I was at my worst. Tonight, I am grateful for having a supervisor who drove to my house, picked me up, and took me to the hospital. I am incredibly happy with where I am in life right now.

Life has been nothing short of exhausting this last year between my mom’s health concerns and my mental health among other things. However, I feel like I have been able to tremendously grow as a person over the past few months. I’m not a fan of the phrase “everything happens for a reason” but I can honestly say I have grown as a person and have learned so much in the months following my suicide attempt. It definitely wasn’t  easy at the time for anyone involved but it allowed me to grow. It helped me become more attuned to my personal needs and has helped me to appreciate what I have. I don’t have everything, my bank account could certainly look better, I still struggle to get out of bed some days, I could stand to lose some weight, and sometimes I let little things bother me too much but I’m happy! I’m truly happy! I’ve realized things don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to have everything to be happy. I love my job, I have a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing family, my mom is in remission (wahoo), I have incredible friends, I have the sweetest nephews in the world, I have my 2 adorable fur children, I love my new car, and getting out of bed is not a chore (at least not most of the time)! What I went through over this past year has truly helped me appreciate what I do have in life instead of focusing on what I don’t have. I love who I have become and I am incredibly proud of how much I have grown since getting out of the hospital in August.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. It means the world to me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the amazing support I have had throughout my entire journey.

#SuicideIsNotADirtyWord

No One Else Can Play Your Part!

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day

NAMI Walk

Here is a picture of me and my grandfather at the NAMI Walk at the Baltimore Inner Harbor this past Saturday. We had a good time. I really enjoy being around such a large group of people who are all there to stand up for mental health awareness and fight stigma. It is incredibly inspiring to take part in the NAMI Walk every year.

The $20 Bill

The $20 Bill

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."

"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless.

Author Unknown

Mental Illness Is Real

Bipolar is real, Depression is real, Schizophrenia is real, Mental Illness is real! It's such a shame that those of us living with a mental illness are made to feel as if our illness isn't real, as if it doesn't matter. There are no casseroles for the family when someone is struggling with a mental illness, so many less people say "let me know if there's anything you need" than would if it were to someone with a physical illness, many people just turn a blind eye, turn the other way as if nothing is happening, as if we're not sick and we don't need help. The problem with that is, we ARE sick and we DO need help. We need love and we need support in the same way someone with cancer needs love and support. Mental illness is seen as the invisible illness which makes those of us suffering with mental illness feel like the invisible people.

Would you feel cared about by someone who didn't show you care and compassion while you were undergoing chemo therapy? Would you feel loved by someone who turned their back on you while you were in the hospital after having a stroke? Would you feel like you mattered to someone who didn't take the time to recognize and acknowledge the pain you experience as a result of your MS?

I'm willing to bet the answer to those questions is no, across the board. So I ask you the following questions.

Why should those of us living with a mental illness feel cared about by people who don't show us care and compassion when we most need it? Why should we feel loved by people who turn their backs when we're sick and crying out for help? Why should we feel like we matter to those who don't take the time to recognize and acknowledge, even if they can't understand, the pain and daily struggle we deal with as a result of our illness? Why is our invisible illness less important than the physical, visible illnesses of others? Why are we so often forced to suffer alone or with less support than those dealing with a physical illness?

If you're someone who does this to a friend or family, please realize how much you're hurting them. If you're someone that has seen other people do this to a friend or family member, please stand up for them. If you have a mental illness and are experiencing this or have experienced this like I have, I'm sorry. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks. It hurts. It's the last thing we need when we're already drowning in our mental illness. Compassion is a beautiful thing, compassion for all.

There is nothing fake about what we experience in our head every day. I know it can't be seen, but it's there and at times it can be complete misery. Mental illness can be deadly. In fact, suicides encompass a large number of deaths in the United States. Imagine if your brain was working against you so much that death seemed like the best option, the only option, the only way out. That is not fake, that is real, incredibly real. Count yourself as being lucky if you've never felt that way but don't discount the pain and suffering of the person that has felt that way. There is nothing fun about mental illness. It has destroyed main lives because it is real and it is unforgiving. Just because you can't see it in an x-ray, in a blood test, as a rash on my arm, or a fever on the thermometer doesn't make it any less real than cancer or diabetes or other physical illnesses.

This is the newest member of my family, Diesel

He's helping me surf the web with his purring!

World Bipolar Day

Yesterday was World Bipolar Day. This is a picture I made up in the efforts of fighting stigma for the International Bipolar Foundation to post on their Facebook page. They are the ones who sponsored World Bipolar Day.