From Despair to Happiness: The Difference a Few Months Can Make!

5 months ago, I was a patient in the psychiatric unit at Saint Joseph's Medical Center recovering from a suicide attempt; a lithium overdose that landed me in the medical unit for a few days followed by the psychiatric unit. 5 months ago, I wanted to die. I saw no other way out than taking my own life. I took 70+, 300 mg Lithium capsules. A dosage for me at that time was 4 capsules a day. My lithium level tested at nearly 3 times the toxic level when I arrived at the E.R. on the afternoon of July 31, 2014. I survived for a reason unknown to me. I stopped taking the lithium capsules and texted my supervisor who drove me to the hospital. I don’t know for sure what made me stop and ask for help. Maybe it was all of the calls and texts I was receiving from people saying they care. I may not have responded to any of them but they likely played a large role in why I decided to give life another shot. At that time, I couldn’t see life ever being worthwhile. Dying seemed like the best and the only option. I hated myself and I hated the world. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy. I couldn’t even imagine ever feeling any better than totally miserable and hopeless.

Tonight, 5 months later, I look around my apartment, as I sit on the couch in the living room, watching reruns of New Girl. Caesar is snoring on the couch next to me. Diesel is in the Ikea Poang chair, taking a cat nap. Tonight, I feel lucky. Tonight, I feel grateful. Tonight, I am happy I am alive and that something stopped me from continuing to take that lithium overdose. Tonight, I am grateful to have had friends and family that insisted on making sure I knew they cared while I was at my worst. Tonight, I am grateful for having a supervisor who drove to my house, picked me up, and took me to the hospital. I am incredibly happy with where I am in life right now.

Life has been nothing short of exhausting this last year between my mom’s health concerns and my mental health among other things. However, I feel like I have been able to tremendously grow as a person over the past few months. I’m not a fan of the phrase “everything happens for a reason” but I can honestly say I have grown as a person and have learned so much in the months following my suicide attempt. It definitely wasn’t  easy at the time for anyone involved but it allowed me to grow. It helped me become more attuned to my personal needs and has helped me to appreciate what I have. I don’t have everything, my bank account could certainly look better, I still struggle to get out of bed some days, I could stand to lose some weight, and sometimes I let little things bother me too much but I’m happy! I’m truly happy! I’ve realized things don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to have everything to be happy. I love my job, I have a beautiful apartment, I have an amazing family, my mom is in remission (wahoo), I have incredible friends, I have the sweetest nephews in the world, I have my 2 adorable fur children, I love my new car, and getting out of bed is not a chore (at least not most of the time)! What I went through over this past year has truly helped me appreciate what I do have in life instead of focusing on what I don’t have. I love who I have become and I am incredibly proud of how much I have grown since getting out of the hospital in August.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. It means the world to me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the amazing support I have had throughout my entire journey.

#SuicideIsNotADirtyWord

Suicide Hotline

I like to repost this from time to time for anyone who may need it. If you are feeling suicidal please, please, please call this hotline, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. Suicide is not the answer, I know that it can feel that way at times. Trust me, I know, I've been there and I'm lucky to be alive after a near death suicide attempt. I'll be the first one to admit that I don't always feel like life is worth living but in the end, I'm glad I'm still here.

Suicide Prevention (Originally Posted 3/21/12)

In keeping with the theme of yesterday’s blog post I would like to take the time to educate you about suicide warning signs and suicide prevention.

The following information was obtained from SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education)

Suicide facts:

•  Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every single year
•  For people aged 15-24, suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of death
•  In the month prior to their suicide 75% of elderly visited their physician
• 15% of people with clinical depression die by suicide.
• Substance abuse is a risk factor for suicide
• Depression is the strongest risk factor for suicide
• Suicide is the 11^th leading cause of death in the United States- Homicide is the 15^th
• There is an estimated 4.5 million survivors of suicide in the United States
• Research has shown medications and therapy to be effective suicide prevention
• Suicide can be prevented through education and public awareness
• There are 3 female suicide attempts for each male attempt

Warning signs for suicide include:

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.
• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

Common misconceptions about suicide include:

People who talk about suicide won’t really do it.

Not True. Almost everyone who commits or attemps suicide has given some clue or warning.  Do not ignore suicide threats.  Statements like “you’ll be sorry when I’m dead,” “I can’t see any way out,” - no matter how casually or jokingly said, may indicate serious suicidal feelings.

Anyone who tries to kill him/herself must be crazy.

Not True. Suicidal people may be upset, grief-stricken, depressed or despairing. Extreme distress and emotional pain may be signs of mental illness but do not make someone crazy.

 

If a person is determined to kill him/herself, nothing is going to stop him/her.

Not True. Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, and most waiver until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to end their pain. Most suicidal people do not want to die; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.

 

People who commit suicide are people who were unwilling to seek help.

Not True. Studies of adult suicide victims have shown that more than half had sought medical help within six months before their deaths and a majority had seen a medical professional within 1 month of their death.

 

Talking about suicide may give someone the idea.

Not True. You don't give a suicidal person the idea of suicide by talking about suicide with them. The opposite is true -- bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

What should you do if you see the warning signs of suicide in someone you know?

Begin a dialogue by asking questions. Suicidal thoughts are common with some mental illnesses and your willingness to talk about it in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way can be the help a person needs to seek professional help. Questions that are okay to ask include:

• "Do you ever feel so badly that you think about suicide?"
• "Do you have a plan to commit suicide or take your life?"
• "Have you thought about when you would do it (today, tomorrow, next week)?"
• "Have you thought about what method you would use?"

Asking these questions will help you to determine if your friend or family member is in immediate danger, and get help if needed. A suicidal person should see a doctor or mental health professional immediately. Calling 911 or going to a hospital emergency room are also good options to prevent a tragic suicide attempt or death. Calling the National Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is also a resource for you or the person you care about for help. Remember, always take thoughts of or plans for suicide seriously.

Never keep a plan for suicide a secret. Don’t worry about risking a friendship if you truly feel a life is in danger. You have bigger things to worry about than your friendship-someone’s life might be in danger! It is better to lose a relationship from violating a confidence than it is to go to a funeral. And most of the time they will come back and thank you for saving their life.

 

If you have thoughts of suicide, these options are available to you:

• Dial: 911
• Dial: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  (Suicide prevention hotline)
• Check yourself into the emergency room.
• Call your local crisis agency.
• Immediately tell someone who can assist you in finding help.
• Stay away from things that might hurt you.
• Most people can be treated with a combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN SEEKING HELP!

 For more information on suicide visit: SAVE

“If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a word of encouragement, or attempts to understand a lonely person, extraordinary things begin to happen.”-Loretta Girzartis

Thanks for reading! Until next time…

-Kissing Stigma Goodbye-