Today is one of those days where I feel so alone in this struggle. I have to remind myself that I am not alone. I try so hard to think of those that care about me and those that love me. I think of all the incredible love and support I felt last year when I was suicidal and that’s what keeps me going when I’m down. I know there are people who need me and I know how many people were hurting last year when I was sick. Most days I know this and don’t have to remind myself. Most days are good, most days I smile and laugh like everyone else. Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I have to remind myself why I’m still here; why I stopped and asked for help last July. Today, I have to remind myself of all the people who love and need me and I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished and why I should be proud of myself. I have to remind myself of the good days to get through the bad days.
It has been just over 15 years since I was diagnosed with this illness and it never really gets any easier to deal with the depression when it hits. The unexplained tears are the worst for me. They are not like a good cry that makes you feel better; I’ve had plenty of those. The unexplained tears just make me feel worse and make me wonder what’s wrong with me. I know I have come a long way since last year because I am able to sit down and write how I am feeling and I was able to express to my mom how I am feeling. A year ago, I would have kept it all inside of me. I hope that today is an anomaly and tomorrow I’m back to doing well like I have been for so long.
I have so much love and appreciation for my family and friends who love me through everything, even on the days when I can be hard to love. I wouldn’t be where I am in life without the love and support of those around me and I could never even begin to put into words how much I appreciate that support.
Here’s to hoping for a better day tomorrow and the next day! Here’s to hoping I never forget why I’ve held on every time I thought I couldn’t go on. And, here’s to all of you that have felt you couldn’t go on at some point. I have felt your pain! Always know, there is someone who needs you; someone whose life would never be the same without you in it!
2 comments:
My life would not be the same without you, Sara. You are beautiful. Even when it starts to get dark, you always shine.
I am sorry you are in pain. Tell me -- can you make a (emergency) appointment with your different treatment team members?
Many of these illnesses are chronic. Nonetheless, when symptoms "attack", it feels out of nowhere. Please be sure to consider what may have precipitated these emerging symptoms, even if they seem insignificant. They are not.
You have helped me so much, that I hope you know that you and your life mean so much to me, Sara.
I am taking lithium, but I still feel listless.
Do you know what>? I honor my illness.
Dear Sara......let us know how you are doing. Embrace your Self in your suffering, and in your victories.
I want the best for you.
Always,
with love,
Leslie
Thank you so much, Leslie. Your words are always so kind and uplifting even when you're not feeling great yourself. I hope you are beginning to feel Some relief. I know it's been rough for you lately. I'm not certain what yesterday was about but today was a much better day. Maybe I'm still mourning the loss of my sweet Caesar and it just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I'm not sure but I'm keeping myself aware of my moods as to not allow them to get out of control like last year. Thank you so much for your comment and please keep me updated on how you're feeling!
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