The following is a story of one of my readers. I posted one from another reader a couple of weeks ago. I am hoping to continue to post more stories of readers soon. If you would like to share your story with me, so that I can in turn share it with my readers please e-mail me at KissingStigmaGoodbye@gmail.com! Your story will be posted completely anonymously. I look forward to hearing from you! ~Sara~
As a teenager, I was a nice, happy, and energetic girl. I truly was
standing on top of the world. I was an excellent student, an
over-achiever, and ran my mouth a lot. I didn't get into much trouble,
though. I really could do anything I wanted with minimal consequences,
or so I believed. I started being sexually active when I was 15. (I say
this only to highlight my symptoms). I was full of life and could do no
wrong. The saying "anything you can do, I can do better" fits that point
in my life. People would say, "There's the weird girl", and I just
didn't care.
When I was in a depressed mood, I would cut
myself. Not because I wanted to die, I just wanted to relieve my
internal pain. It was a lot easier to deal with the physical pain than
the emotional pain. I have a number of scars from doing it. My biggest
and last scar was about 3 inches long, going down about half an inch to
an inch. That one was the one that "woke" me up to the danger I was
putting myself in. Had it been my wrist, I could have died. The urge is
still there, but I made a deal with my husband (type on diabetes), I
would work harder at taking care of myself if he would do the same.
Plus, I don't like having to try and explain it to my nieces and
nephews, and I want to see them grow up.
I live mostly with
mania. Which I think is great, most of the time. I love feeling happy
and on top of the world. But, by being such, I have wrecked my credit
beyond belief. A foreclosure on my home, a repossessed car, loans,
credit card debt. I have had hallucinations and delusions, which can be
scary at times. And I've said things that have hurt other people's
feelings. And panic attacks and anxiety always comes along eventually. I
still get the feeling of being better than others. I have trouble
sleeping and then end up needing a nap to get through the rest of the
day. I still wouldn't ever trade the mania for depression, though.
I have found that writing, jewelry making and sketching helps focus the
hundreds of thoughts going through my head in the same direction. I
consider myself lucky. I have family and friends that all know about my
illness and are supportive. I know others may not be so lucky. And I
remind myself, no matter how bad it gets, I will get through it. I have
learned a lot about myself and my bipolar, and am always learning
something new. I've gotten a little better at asking for help, but I
always remind myself that I am the first line of defense in keeping
myself my own sort of "sane".
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