Friday, November 30, 2012

Here is the story of another one of my readers...

The following is a story of one of my readers.  I posted one from another reader a couple of weeks ago.  I am hoping to continue to post more stories of readers soon.  If you would like to share your story with me, so that I can in turn share it with my readers please e-mail me at! Your story will be posted completely anonymously.  I look forward to hearing from you! ~Sara~

As a teenager, I was a nice, happy, and energetic girl. I truly was standing on top of the world. I was an excellent student, an over-achiever, and ran my mouth a lot. I didn't get into much trouble, though. I really could do anything I wanted with minimal consequences, or so I believed. I started being sexually active when I was 15. (I say this only to highlight my symptoms). I was full of life and could do no wrong. The saying "anything you can do, I can do better" fits that point in my life. People would say, "There's the weird girl", and I just didn't care.

When I was in a depressed mood, I would cut myself. Not because I wanted to die, I just wanted to relieve my internal pain. It was a lot easier to deal with the physical pain than the emotional pain. I have a number of scars from doing it. My biggest and last scar was about 3 inches long, going down about half an inch to an inch. That one was the one that "woke" me up to the danger I was putting myself in. Had it been my wrist, I could have died. The urge is still there, but I made a deal with my husband (type on diabetes), I would work harder at taking care of myself if he would do the same. Plus, I don't like having to try and explain it to my nieces and nephews, and I want to see them grow up.

I live mostly with mania. Which I think is great, most of the time. I love feeling happy and on top of the world. But, by being such, I have wrecked my credit beyond belief. A foreclosure on my home, a repossessed car, loans, credit card debt. I have had hallucinations and delusions, which can be scary at times. And I've said things that have hurt other people's feelings. And panic attacks and anxiety always comes along eventually. I still get the feeling of being better than others. I have trouble sleeping and then end up needing a nap to get through the rest of the day. I still wouldn't ever trade the mania for depression, though.

I have found that writing, jewelry making and sketching helps focus the hundreds of thoughts going through my head in the same direction. I consider myself lucky. I have family and friends that all know about my illness and are supportive. I know others may not be so lucky. And I remind myself, no matter how bad it gets, I will get through it. I have learned a lot about myself and my bipolar, and am always learning something new. I've gotten a little better at asking for help, but I always remind myself that I am the first line of defense in keeping myself my own sort of "sane".

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