Cruel and Unusual – It’s Time to End an American Tragedy

This article (link found below) makes me so incredibly mad and sad. My heart hurts for the folks with severe mental illness who are thrown in jails and hospitals for crimes they committed while sick and then never provided the treatment they need to get better. Thank you to NAMI for this expose on jails and prisons. Maybe state hospitals will be up next! We need to stop ignoring these terrible conditions and treatments. We would never treat someone with a physical illness in this way and it is not acceptable to treat someone with a psychiatric illness this way either. People with a mental illness are still people with feelings and deserve proper treatment for their ailments... Physical and psychological.

Cruel and Unusual – It’s Time to End an American Tragedy

Rock Bottom

Sometimes in life, we have to hit rock bottom, to see the pattern of destructive behaviors and negative thought patterns we have been engaging in. Not everyone needs to hit rock bottom and rock bottom is not the same for everyone.

Rock bottom for me came last summer when I overdosed on Klonopin and Lithium with the hopes of ending my life. What followed that was life changing. Not the stay in the hospital, but the thoughts and feelings that invoked in the weeks and months to follow. The analysis of my outlook on life, on happiness, on family, on friendship, on relationships... all of that was life changing. All of that came from hitting rock bottom and coming out of it a stronger and better person.

The people who support you and love you through the times when you feel and act so unlovable are the ones that will never leave your side no matter what. Thank you to everyone who was there for me when I hit my rock bottom last year. Thank you to everyone who saw me through it. Thank you to everyone who loves me no less now even though they saw me and cared for me when I was so hard to love. I don't know where I would be without all of you.  I especially don't know where I would be without my mom and dad. They have never lost hope in me and have supported me through every heartache and every bit of my illness. Words could never begin to explain the love and appreciation I have for my parents and everyone else who has loved me through the worst.

I am so proud of myself for the strength and growth that has come from last year but I also know I couldn't have done it alone!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Today has been one hell of a day. A day of sadness; a day of tears. Today is one of those days where all I wanted from the start was to go back to sleep and start the day over, in a better mood, in a happier place, with the depression lifted. I actually took a nap today, and those that know me well, know that naps mean I’m avoiding my feelings. Rarely do naps actually mean I’m tired. Things have been going so well for a while, so of course, old man Bipolar had to throw me a curve ball and hit me with some depression today. I can only hope and wish tomorrow is a better day.

Today is one of those days where I feel so alone in this struggle. I have to remind myself that I am not alone. I try so hard to think of those that care about me and those that love me. I think of all the incredible love and support I felt last year when I was suicidal and that’s what keeps me going when I’m down. I know there are people who need me and I know how many people were hurting last year when I was sick. Most days I know this and don’t have to remind myself. Most days are good, most days I smile and laugh like everyone else. Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I have to remind myself why I’m still here; why I stopped and asked for help last July. Today, I have to remind myself of all the people who love and need me and I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished and why I should be proud of myself. I have to remind myself of the good days to get through the bad days.

It has been just over 15 years since I was diagnosed with this illness and it never really gets any easier to deal with the depression when it hits. The unexplained tears are the worst for me. They are not like a good cry that makes you feel better; I’ve had plenty of those. The unexplained tears just make me feel worse and make me wonder what’s wrong with me. I know I have come a long way since last year because I am able to sit down and write how I am feeling and I was able to express to my mom how I am feeling. A year ago, I would have kept it all inside of me. I hope that today is an anomaly and tomorrow I’m back to doing well like I have been for so long.

I have so much love and appreciation for my family and friends who love me through everything, even on the days when I can be hard to love. I wouldn’t be where I am in life without the love and support of those around me and I could never even begin to put into words how much I appreciate that support.

Here’s to hoping for a better day tomorrow and the next day! Here’s to hoping I never forget why I’ve held on every time I thought I couldn’t go on. And, here’s to all of you that have felt you couldn’t go on at some point. I have felt your pain! Always know, there is someone who needs you; someone whose life would never be the same without you in it!