Re-post from 2/27/12

I have to give a quick shout out to my sister who corrected something I said in a previous post.  She made me aware that she did NOT follow behind the cop car with our mom when I was taken to the ER.  Instead, she rode in the cop car with me because as she said " you kicked and screamed and refused to go if I didn't ride with you". Not that I really had a choice to go or not, however it was probably to go in cuffs or to go out of cuffs, so thank you to my big sis and it was on the eve of her 21st birthday. I have to give credit where credit is due! I told you this was a fuzzy time period in my mind.

My Diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder

Welcome Back!

My Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder at the age of 15. In my mind, this is a fuzzy time period to say the least, which is probably for the best. Initially I was misdiagnosed with clinical depression and was treated with an antidepressant. For those of you who do not know, when someone with Bipolar Disorder is treated solely with an antidepressant it kicks them into mania. That is exactly what happened to me. I began to get progressively worse because I was taking an antidepressant only.

I do not remember exactly what flipped the switch, but one day I came home from school and “attempted suicide” by taking some over-the-counter pain pills and chasing them with some vodka that was in the basement freezer. I put the words attempted suicide in quotations because in my heart I know it was not a real attempt; it was a cry for help. This was a scary day for me and my family, although I did not really show my fear, I was petrified. My mom and my sister were home at the time; my mom called 911. I was taken to the ER in a police car; this was of course, far from enjoyable, to say the least. My sister rode in the police car with me, my mom followed, and my dad met us at the hospital after he got off work. Word of advice, do not yell, scream and curse at cops; I learned that early in life!

The Northwest Hospital ER was where I was given the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. From there I was transferred to Howard County General Hospital to a mainly adult psychiatric unit (Dad saved the day with his directions when the ambulance driver got completely lost). The Howard County General Hospital unit was not at all ideal for me; they were not set up to deal with adolescents. After a few days, I was transferred to another hospital with a pediatric unit for the remainder of my inpatient stay, about two weeks in total.

Those 2 weeks were extremely petrifying for me. As a 15 year old dealing with the beginning stages of Bipolar, I did not know how to express my fear properly. Instead, I would do things like scream, throw fits, and try to run out the locked door to the unit when I saw a staff member open it, etc. By no means are psychiatric hospitals a nurturing and caring environment. I would have to earn being able to eat a snack by drinking milk (something I cannot stomach), there was never anyone to talk to if I needed to talk, and I basically had to earn the right to do anything that would have any chance at making me feel better. In the psychological state I was in, I did not earn anything; instead I lost every possible privilege. Instead of being somewhere where I felt I was getting help, I was somewhere where I felt as if I was being punished. An adolescent who is newly diagnosed with a major psychiatric illness needs a more nurturing and caring environment than the psychiatric hospitals have to offer (at least what they had to offer 13 years ago). Lucky for me, my mom worked in the hospital I was in, and she came up to eat lunch with me every day. I looked forward to this because it was the one consistent thing I had to give me a small bit of hope at that time.

There are two main things I got out of this hospitalization. The first was when a social worker made a comparison to me that I will take with me for the rest of my life. She compared Bipolar Disorder to Type I Diabetes. Both are illnesses someone is born with that require daily medication, neither of which are illnesses that one has control over having. While this did not mean anything to me at the time, I never forgot it, and down the line it became very helpful to me in the way I viewed my disease and the way I viewed myself for having the disease. Second, it was the start of my lifelong journey of taking medication. I left the hospital with the necessary prescriptions and continued to see my psychiatrist for medication management. Did I start taking my medication properly every day after getting out of the hospital? Absolutely not! I was a 15 year old who did not want to accept that she needed to take medication every day. It was, however, a starting point; a step in the right direction.

The teenage years are such a fragile time; a time where everyone is looking for acceptance. At 15 years old, all anyone wants is to be a “normal” teenager (whatever that means). No 15 year old wants to find out they have a mental illness and they will need to take medication for the rest of their life. No 15 year old wants to all of a sudden accept taking medication every day when their friends do not need to take medication. No 15 year old wants the others at school to know they have a mental illness. Coming back from two weeks in the hospital was hard to explain away to the kids at school. The teenage years are already hard enough without anything additional added. Hey, I’m 28 now, so I must have done something right to make it through it all!

“Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache, carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater Benefit.” -Napoleon Hill-

Thank you for reading! Until next time…

-Kissing stigma Goodbye-

About the Author (Re-post from 5/22/12)

I realized that I haven’t told you much of anything anything about me as a person.  I’ve given you some of my story in its relationship to my Bipolar Disorder, but not really any history on me as an individual sans the Bipolar Disorder.  I am sorry for neglecting this piece up until now.  This should have come way back at the beginning and I'm sorry for that. I haven’t even told you my name, unless you’ve read my name where it is written very small underneath the posting you wouldn’t know that my name is Sara.

I was born in Baltimore, Maryland on November 1, 1984. I grew up in Pikesville, Maryland where I was raised by two awesome parents. I have a wonderful sister who is 5 ½ years older than me and I have 2 amazing grandparents living in Pikesville.  Those are the 5 family members of mine that I have always been able to count on and always will be able to count on- they have been there through it all.

At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  At the age of 22- shortly after graduating college (and by shortly, I mean 2 weeks), I married my high school sweetheart.  And at the age of 25 I divorced my high school sweetheart.  Lasted long, huh?  That is a personal aspect of my life that I am not willing to broadcast details of.  What I will say is that we live and we learn.  I learned a lot from my marriage and the relationship in which I had with him.

I attended school in Pikesville- elementary, middle and high school, graduating from Pikesville High in 2002.  With High School being a time of turmoil for me, as touched upon in my posting “My Diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder” (February 25, 2012), my grades were lacking to say the least. A four year college was not even an option.  I went on from High School to study at the Community College of Baltimore County where I received my A.A.S degree in “Chemical Dependency Counseling” in 2004.  I performed an internship during this time at “Partners in Recovery” in Towson working with adolescents with substance abuse issues. Just to note: I performed phenomenally at CCBC, it was a complete 180 from where I was at in high school.

Upon graduating from CCBC, I moved on the attend University of Maryland Baltimore County (UMBC) as a Social Work major.  During my first semester at UMBC I began experiencing a relapse in Bipolar symptoms and spent about a week at Sheppard Pratt, as described in my posting “My Short Stay at Sheppard Pratt” (March 2, 2012).  I decided it was best for me to drop out of UMBC at the time and I later applied to Towson University.  After some much needed time off from school, I went back to school at Towson University the following fall, Fall of 2005.  2 years later, I graduated from Towson with a human services B.S. Degree- where I followed a “services to children” track.  I had a job lined up for me prior to graduation as a Child Life Counselor at “St. Vincent’s Center” – a group home for children with histories of abuse and neglect. I worked there for about 2 years and it was the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life.  It was so hard to go into work every day and see the pain in these kids eyes.  This job broke my heart and still does when I look back on it.  There are some kids I’ll never forget- some stories I’ll never forget- some situations I’ll never forget.  That job broke my heart day in and day out.

Also, immediately after graduating college I moved on to University of Maryland, Baltimore (UMB) to pursue a Masters in Social Work.  I discovered after some time that this was not the path that would fit me best.  I withdrew from the university to give myself time to decide what path was for me.  A master’s degree is too expensive and time consuming to waste all that money and precious time on a degree that is not worth it to you in the end.

After St. Vincent’s Center I moved on to work with adults at CC in Baltimore City.  I thought that working with adults would be easier and in some ways I was right.  CC serves individuals with severe and persistent mental illness.  The majority of these individuals continue to be symptomatic despite the extremely large amount of medication they take.  There are strict criteria for a client to be a member of CC's program.  A state hospitalization or a number of community hospitalizations within a short period of time (I forget the exact number) are required to be a member of this program. The majority of the clients are admitted to CC upon release from a state hospital on conditional release.  For those that do not know, conditional release is basically the equivalent of probation for an individual who was found "Not Criminally Responsible" and was therefore state hospitalized instead of jailed.   My time at CC (about a year and a half) taught me a lot and gave me a lot of necessary experience.  However, during my time at CC, I realized that direct care was not for me.  I needed some time away from it and some time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I moved on to work at a property management company as a leasing consultant for a short period of time- this was by no means for me but gave me some breathing time away from direct care in the mental health field.  Ultimately, I decided to go back to school for my MBA which will enable me to go into non-profit management.  I am in my final semester of my MBA and I am doing an internship at a non-profit organization.  I absolutely love the work that I am doing and hope to continue working in the same capacity upon graduation- either where I am now or at another mental health non-profit organization.

After time to think about it, I have realized why direct care positions were not for me.  The first reason is that you are stuck within a system where you have no ability to make any reasonable changes to the care or anything else for that matter.  I want to be able to make decisions, make changes and make a difference.  Making a difference in the lives of my clients wasn’t enough for me- I needed more.  I needed to be able to make a difference on a larger scale.  The second reason is- I took my work home with me emotionally- I cared too much (yes, there is such a thing).

So keeping that in mind, I aim to start my own non-profit someday soon.  I want the sky to be the limit when it comes to my ability to make change. I do know that funding sources will make it impossible for the sky to be the limit.  However, at the same time I know that I will be making changes in the areas that are most important to me- which is what my business mission, vision and goals will surround.

That is all that I can think of for now! That should give you a good basis for understanding a bit of my history, me as an individual, what my life has held up until now and what my goals for the future are.

‘Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” - Henry Ford

Thanks for reading, until next time….

-Kissing Stigma Goodbye-

Introduction.... (Originally Posted 2/22/12)

Who am I?

Well let’s see… I am a 27 year old woman who has been struggling with Bipolar I Disorder for 12 years. I was born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland by two absolutely amazing parents.

I went to college at Towson University where I studied the human services and social sciences field.  I have worked in a few different roles in the field of mental health (we will get into that more later).  I am in “Business” school now, pursuing my MBA.  Now… let’s be honest business is NOT my passion by any means.  The field of psychology is my passion in life.  So one might wonder why I am in business school, well actually, many wonder this.  I get asked that question all the time.  I am in business school to make a difference! Generic answer, huh? The short of it is… psychology is my passion and my MBA will give me the tools I need to make a difference in the field of psychology with much more intensity than I could have otherwise.  I’ll tell you much more about the passionate life-long goals I have later.  What I will tell you is that getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental illness is by far my biggest and most passionate goal in life, so why don’t you help me get that started?

Was I vague enough? Do I have you wondering more?  Good! That means I got your attention and you’ll be back to read more and more and more and more!

You ready to blow that kiss to stigma?  You know what kiss I’m talking about, right? You know… the goodbye kiss!! Join me on this journey and you will slowly get closer and closer to blowing that amazing kiss goodbye to stigma!  I hope you keep coming back to read more! I am looking forward to this journey! 

Remember…. “WE” are just like “YOU”, AMAZING human beings with hopes, goals, ambitions and lots to offer!

I'm going to start re-posting my old posts, the ones that share my personal experiences with Bipolar Disorder. I am doing this for two reasons. The first is that there are so many new people following my blog and signed up to receive my e-mails and I want to make sure everyone that would like to has had the chance to read about my personal fight with Bipolar. The second reason is that blogger- the site I use to post my blogs- automatically posts the oldest blogs the furthest back and I want those posts to be easier to locate when someone new visits my blog as those are the most important posts for someone searching for hope and a sense of belonging. In the process of re-posting my older posts over the next two weeks or so, I plan to have some new writing done to begin posting! I am so happy to have all of you reading and following my blog! I am glad to have the chance to touch so many individuals through sharing the story of own personal fight and I look forward to being able to continue touching lives! As always, feel free to e-mail me with any thoughts, suggestions for things you'd like to see me write about or if you just need someone to talk to about your is illness or life situations that are stressing you. I always respond to e-mail, it just may take me a couple of days. My e-mail address is KissingStigmaGoodbye@gmail.com. Also, please check out my Facebook page if you haven't done so already, Kissing Stigma Goodbye Facebook Page.

Happy Friday!

Be the change that you wish to see in the world!

Ah, my dear friend Gandhi. On graduation day from my MBA program a little over a year ago, the person we elected to speak gave us all superlatives! Mine? Most likely to follow in Gandhi's footsteps in the non-profit world!

Stigma Definition

Some inspiration...

Quote of the day!

Find a support Group - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

If anyone is interested in finding a support group in their area, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) has a number of support groups across the country. I just inquired about the one in my area yesterday and I think I'm going to check it out this coming Sunday. Here is the link to the support group page where you can search by state or by zip code.

Find a support Group - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Book Review: “The Pros of Prozac: A Faith-Based Memoir of Overcoming the Stigma” by Beca Mark

Here you will find a book review of the above mentioned book. This review is written by a man named Mack Kreps. He is the administrator of a fabulous mental health related page on Facebook and I offered to share this review for him on both my Facebook page and my blog. So, enjoy!

THIS REVIEW WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME, SARA BREIDENSTEIN. IT WAS WRITTEN BY MACK KREPS IN ITS ENTIRETY. 

It is amazing that I actually have the opportunity to do my first book review on a mental health related book. When I was first presented the opportunity to review the book I was very excited as mental health is a subject that is very important to me. The book is called the “Pro’s of Prozac: A Faith-Based Memoir of Overcoming the Stigma,” by Beca Mark.

The book is very short, concise and well-written. It is about taking Prozac for mental issues and the stigma associated with this, specifically postpartum depression and anxiety. The author Ms. Beca Mark also uses her Christian faith to help guide her and justify her actions in taking Prozac for her depression and anxiety.

When I first began reading the book I was a little unsure whether I was qualified since I know nothing of postpartum depression and I’ve never taken Prozac. However, the more I thought about it the more I thought this would be the best way to approach it even if I were an expert on either subject. I needed to view the book from the standpoint of someone who knows nothing and determine whether or not this book would be helpful for me or not if I was looking at taking Prozac or another anti-depressant. And while I have plenty of experience with depression and anti-depressants, I took it as a challenge to review the book and give an accurate review. 

I don’t want to say that the book is just about postpartum depression because it is not. It just happens to be what the author of the book suffers from initially until she realizes that she has suffered from depression and anxiety most of her life. The book is made up of 16 concise and succinct chapters. Each chapter has a quote at the top which I personally like because I have an affinity for quotes and the quotes pertain to each corresponding chapter. The book is written, according to Ms. Mark, “So someone dealing with depression or heightened anxiety can easily start, finish, apply and then recommend this book.”

Ms. Mark begins the book with a confession that she takes Prozac. Throughout the book she is very cognizant about the stigma associated with taking anti-depressants. She moves on through her back story and her issues after having her first child. It is during these first chapters that she reveals her issue with postpartum depression as well as how different people react to the thought of taking medication as a “crutch.”

Before she breaks down to go seek help she tries to break down every single issue that she can think of, ranging from exercise and diet to sleep and prayer and many things in between. She seems to have been convinced that she was doing or not doing something to cause her depression. She tries exercise and gets her weight back down to her pre-pregnancy weight. But there were other issues still lingering and she still didn’t feel right.

She moves on through her first experience with Prozac when she gets her first prescription for generic Prozac (fluoxetine) from her midwife. She didn’t have a physician she visited on a regular basis so she went where she was the most comfortable and she wasn’t comfortable at all. The midwife was not very supportive on the medication front but relented and gave her a prescription.

She moves on through the book at a quick pace covering only the basics. While she lists the warnings on the label or warning page that came with her first prescription and discusses the few side effects she experienced; she proceeds to make a strong case for the “pros of Prozac.” It is at this time that she opines that she suffered from “unfounded depression and anxiety from a very young age.” For Ms. Mark, the fog lifts and she provides six pros that she experience from taking Prozac. She also summarizes them in a “before and after” manner.

Ms. Mark discusses her family history which gives insight to her personal struggle and a possible reason for her suffering. This is also substantiated when she discusses three of her four adult sisters who also take Prozac and have found relief in doing so. She speaks very candid and openly about her pregnancies of which there were three. It was during the second that she was switched to Zoloft because her midwife thought it was safer than Prozac. This did not go over well as she went back to suffering. It was at this time that she switched to a gynecologist who not only puts her back on Prozac but at a much higher dosage. However it was at this time she candidly reveals a great tragedy and how she dealt with it and how she recovered. 

The book continues as Ms. Mark briefly runs through some negatives of taking Prozac.  She also provides a chapter on some friends whose names are changed to protect their identities but that suffer from various issues and either take Prozac or don't and discusses needless suffering. She also lists some famous people who suffer from clinical depression or anxiety. She moves on through one of the longer chapters of the book and it is still quite short and that is on stigma. While she talks about God throughout the book, she expounds on more of her Christian faith in the final chapters of the book. She also explains how many people see depression as a weakness and taking medications as a crutch. The final two chapters are about the responsibility of taking Prozac and that understanding Prozac is “not a solve-all.” As previously noted, this is where she reveals most of her Christian based views and reveals four areas in which an individual must make “continual and balanced improvements” in order for an individual to realize her “greatest joy.” She concludes by pointing out that Prozac is not a solve-all but helps makes things and situations easier to dissect and handle.

The final two sections of the book are Appendices A and B. These are very informative as Appendix A is a list of discussion questions for which no answers are provided but are provided to allow the reader to use the information in the book to reach her own conclusions. Appendix B contains “Frequently Asked Questions,” in addition to information on clinical depression, anxiety disorders, medications, therapies, and additional information on Prozac and its safety during pregnancy. The book concludes with some informative statistics on mental health and Prozac.

In conclusion, the book “Pros of Prozac: A Faith-Based Memoir of Overcoming the Stigma” is a well written book that is a good read for someone new to depression or Prozac. It would be especially helpful for women suffering from postpartum depression or anyone who has suffered from depression and is trying or thinking of having a child.

I also found the book very useful in doing exactly what the title says and that is listing the pros of Prozac. Ms. Mark does not focus too much on the potential negatives, but there really aren’t many for her and she does note that there is the potential for negative side effects. It is important to point out that the book is based upon her experiences with the medication. She also mixes in her Christian beliefs and gives a solid overview of potential benefits as she has experienced them. The Appendices in the back of the book make up for any lack of clinical support within the body of the book but she clearly states that she is not a doctor and the book is based upon her experience. As a person familiar with Prozac in name only, I found the book to be very informative and would recommend this book to anyone interested in the potential overall benefits of Prozac.

I start to think there really is no cure for depression...

Faith is taking the first step...

Compassion is key!

Bipolar Isn't Easy

I wrote this yesterday for the Kissing Stigma Goodbye Facebook page , I thought it would be nice to share it on here as well!

Bipolar isn't easy, it's a struggle, a daily struggle! Bipolar is no walk in the park and I would never pretend that it is. Each of us experiences Bipolar differently, there is no cookie cutter version of what Bipolar is and how it presents itself. What is accurate across the board is that each of us experiences a struggle, the struggle of life with Bipolar Disorder. Each of us has an untold story consisting of the parts of our illness that we are ashamed of and each of us has a story that we have told to others. How much of that story that has been told varies from individual to individual. Keep telling that story, tell the good, tell the bad, tell the ugly. Tell all that you are willing to tell because the only way that we will ever fight stigma is by being truthful. Those of us living with Bipolar Disorder are fighters, we are survivors! Never be ashamed to say, this is what I've been through, this is what I'm going through now but I'm going to keep fighting, I'm not going to give up because I am a survivor and I am stronger than this illness! Your story is something to be proud of because you have overcome and made it to where you are today! Much love, Sara

Try sleeping with a mosquito!

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them!

To anyone who is struggling out there...

A long overdue update...

 

I know I haven’t really written much in quite some time, I apologize for that. I will make it a goal of mine to do some writing for the blog this weekend. 

Recently, I left my job working with the homeless population in DC. It was a job that I loved and I was working for an organization that I loved but the commute was wearing on me. On a good day, my commute was at least an hour and a half each way, most days it was a good bit longer and then I drove all over DC for my job. It was a bittersweet decision to leave that job.

I am really enjoying my new job and the flexibility in the schedule. I am working for a non-profit organization doing consumer quality improvement at the state psychiatric hospitals and the Psychiatric Rehabilitation Programs across the state of Maryland. I go into these organizations and talk to the consumers about what they like, what’s working, what needs improvement, any concerns they may have and so on. These concerns are all reported anonymously (unless permission is given otherwise) to the organization as well as at the state level to the Core Service Agents and Mental Hygiene Administration. We visit each organization 3-6 times per year and we have been able to elicit some great changes and improvements with organizations all across the state of Maryland. 

My new job is less than a mile away from home, it is incredible! I plan to start walking there when the temperatures start to die down a bit, it’s been too miserably hot recently to walk in dress clothes to work. I do travel across the state to visit organizations but that is not every day and I receive mileage reimbursement for all the miles that I do drive. I had been spending $120/week on gas when I was commuting to DC. Ending the DC commute has already proven to eliminate so much stress from my life. I feel so much more rested because I can sleep 2 hours later in the morning. I am so much less stressed and irritable because I’m not commuting so many hours a day and bringing work home with me so that I can beat the rush hour commute. I am grateful to have been given the chance to make this change which I feel has been able to improve the quality of my life and will continue to do so.

 My sister gave birth to a handsome little boy on July 3rd, he is 3 weeks old today! He is such a sweet little guy and I just love holding him and watching him sleep so peacefully. My older nephew is such a good big brother, it's so great!  Here is a pic of me and baby Ben on the day he was born and a pic of Ben and his fabulous big brother Connor.

Just before beginning my new job, I took a girls weekend trip to Ocean City! I had such an amazing time! It was such a great long weekend! I will post some pics from the weekend below!